The past two nights I've had dreams of the dead. My grandmother my uncle my best friend and Elizabeth,my mother was with them. When I woke this morning I was filled with curiosity as to what these dreams meant. In the dream my grandmother had asked me to do something. This post is the result My mother and I have never had a very good relationship. And have not spoken for about the last 4 1/2 years. But that's not what the dream was about I was finally given understanding into why our relationship has been the way it has, or at least for me some sense of why it is what it is. When I was two my mother had been pregnant with twin boys. She delivered one dead baby in the toilet one night and was taken to the hospital to deliver the other one also dead. I know this had a traumatic effect on her. As a two-I did not understand what was going on. I have a vivid recollection of my mother sleeping on a cot in the living room and that's pretty much all. I know that she had guilt over the loss of the boys, who never were given any names my father Fronco told her that she had killed his sons. Two years after she was pregnant with my brother Tony, and 19 months after that she gave birth to my brother Todd. They were the boys who lived. As I woke today from my visitors, I wonder if this distance was because she blamed me for the loss of the twins. She had been put on bed rest, but there I was a toddler who around the same time had fallen and split open my chin needing stitches. How well could you rest? Maybe she picked me up India felt something went wrong? I don't know. According to my Grandmother my mother never showed emotion, except one day at Doctor Lake's office. She got her to cry and she sobbed for hours. I have always wondered why the twins were never given names. Maybe it's because if they didn't have names then they were not real, and maybe that's how she coped. I am just speculating. I know Fronco was horrible through out.... Well honestly ever since I have known him. These dreams make me wonder if they were for a purpose to finally give me some closure on why there has always been this distance between me and my mother. People have always wondered why we were not close especially since I was the oldest and only girl. Maybe after the miscarriages she felt if she loved me I would die too. Maybe she felt if I had not been around the twins would not have died. Maybe we were playing and I hit her belly and something happened. I don't know. What I do know is that now at least I understand why we have never had a good relationship and while I still believe that we are healthier apart, I can let go of the hurt.
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AuthorHi All Welcome to my world. Enjoy the ride! Archives
May 2017
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